*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
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The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.