BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”