Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Are you ok, human???
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
never deleting this app.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I put the h in mysterious.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.