me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.