I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
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Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
#Caturday
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.