Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Huge, if true.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
plums roundup
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left