A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Pandas 🐼🖤
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment