*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
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Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Stop sending me this shit.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
True?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail