One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you
Friday: good
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂