“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
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“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Midwest trash talk
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.