Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Order here:
More here:
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
How can I say no to this ?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.