003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.