Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“I FIXED IT!”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.