The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.