Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Happy Friday
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.