I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.