1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
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Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
how it started vs how it ended
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is