Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
#Caturday
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Oh my God.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name