someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal