You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Bit chilly again tonight.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
You have been warned.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.