A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.