Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
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Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
🤔😂😂
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides