Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
no
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE