If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
You Might Also Like
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
A double negative is a big no-no.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
worst…sale…ever
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof