I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
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Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?