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If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
time machine? you mean a clock?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
estão todos miauvindo?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.