My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
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I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I am patiently waiting for your email
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.