It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
i smell a pulitzer
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)