“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.