interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen