Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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Yes
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
🙀🙀🙀😹
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”