Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
You Might Also Like
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Mad Max Arctic Road
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200