FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
The symmetry is uncanny.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.