MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?