It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
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[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.