When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
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Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I can鈥檛 believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 馃摑馃槶
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
You know where I鈥檇 like to go?
Missing
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
hey boy 馃槈 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don鈥檛 think they鈥檙e tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha鈥檃m.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die