Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
You Might Also Like
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide