Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
doing some research
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
🔦🌙👣
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so