Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over