Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
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Godspeed, John Glenn
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.