My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
You Might Also Like
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?