Shoo shoo! 😂
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Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Every house has this drawer
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.