We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday