If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on