Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Damn what did I do next
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.