Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
You Might Also Like
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Okey dokey.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.