[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My Guy
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.