“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
i think both sides are to blame here
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
bury ourselves
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh