*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Whoa… oh I see lol
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.