I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.